Parent Concerns about Splendid Academy

Jan 23, 2013 by

Dear Splendid Academy Students, Parents, and Staff,

It had come to my attention that at least a few of our dear parents are concerned by some of the educational and nutritional practices we adhere to at Splendid Academy. I received the following email from one concerned parent, who for some reason, would not leave her name. Although normally I would ignore anonymous correspondence, since our school is actively recruiting new students I thought it would be best to address these concerns here – and “nip the problem in the bud,” as they say.

Here is the email:

“While i believe this school is a wonderful place for my child to learn, i do have some complaints. First of all, my daughter had been telling me that you feed them things at lunch and breakfast that are extremely fatty and unhealthy. She also told me that they have two snack periods and they are fed large bowls of candy each. Secondly, I have confirmed with other parents on my street that they are allowed to go out of class whenever they please. I would be thankful if you would make them stay in class and actually learn. Thank you very much.”

First off, Anonymous, thank you for the lovely compliments to our school! I think our current crop of students includes some of the most delightful young people ever to walk through the doors of any Splendid Academy in all the years of my work. They are hungry for knowledge… and, unfortunately, some of them are hungry for decent meals, as well.

I will say it bluntly: The American diet is not enough for the growing minds of these young ones. The pre-prepared, TV-style dinners they are often supplied with at home does little to whet their appetites… or grow them into their full potential. The menus here at Splendid are specially formulated to help each child reach his or her pinnacle of health and perfect weight, far sooner than if they were left to forage for decent meals in their pantries at home. If some of them ask for more, it’s because their little bodies are telling them they need more. Sometimes, much more.

Honestly? I weep when I see how thin some of our poor students are. It may take months before they have enough meat on their bones to rival their peers.

Now, the candy to which you refer is, I believe, used as a motivational teaching tool to keep kids at their desks, engaged – and sometimes even used as manipulatives for math lessons! And learners who are classified as “kinesthetic,” who need to move, find they think better when their little jaws are crunch crunch crunching their way through bowls of candy while they focus. One of our finest teachers, Ms. Morrigan, assures me that the candy is helping keep kids in their desks – and at work. So, rest your mind.

As to your concern about kids leaving our building without permission? Please. Do you think for one second I would let a single, tender, growing child out of my sight? Perish the thought! This school is our garden, let us say, and your children are the vegetables we are assiduously cultivating. Without them, our whole staff – our whole society – would starve! Be assured, we are watching all the children at Splendid Academy very, very carefully.


Principal Trapp



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  1. Syrena

    Really neat! I would love to go here!!!

    • Willow

      Don’t go here, it’s a trap. Witches luring you in with a childs dream.

      • Principal Trapp

        What a silly comment! I “Trap” students? I assure you, we do no such thing here at Splendid. Of course, I can see why you would think our school is a child’s dream. It is amazing! I invite you to attend one of our fine academies, just for one day. I promise you, you’ll never want to leave once you taste our amazing cafeteria food. Yours, Principal Trapp

  2. all of you are right the principal is a evil and nasty witch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Hannah

    These people are crazy! They tried to eat me. Luckily I am a very fast runner.

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